3 Things Your Toddler Needs (But Doesn't Know How To Ask For)

Toddlers, amirite? One moment they're the cutest thing ever and the next moment they're melting down because they want to simultaneously drink from the red cup and the blue cup. You find yourself second-guessing your parenting skills, furiously googling for the answers. Do I need to go gluten-free? Am I too strict? Not strict enough? You find yourself walking on eggshells, worrying about provoking the next meltdown. Yet it doesn't seem to matter how carefully you tread, your toddler still finds an excuse to throw a tantrum. Or starts pushing all your buttons. On purpose. You find yourself not only not enjoying being around your toddler, but actively disliking them. You are despondent, wondering if it will always be this way. And you are so very, very tired, physically, mentally and emotionally.

When I went through this stage with my daughter, my googling turned up Janet Lansbury. This was how I got started on my peaceful parenting journey, and I'm so grateful I did. Not only am I already beginning to see the results with my daughter, I'm finding it so much easier to go through this stage with my son (it also helps to know that it does pass).

Here's a summary of testing behaviours from Janet Lansbury's blog:

• Misbehaving, and the problem isn't that they aren't aware of or forgetting the rules (this is especially evident when they look at you and smile/laugh while doing it)
• Become very demanding (requesting specific cups or spoons, not being happy regardless of the outcome)
• Are destructive and aggressive (may be playing aggressively with toys or people: throwing, pushing hitting, biting, etc)
• Losing it at the drop of a hat
• Seeming not like themselves (you find yourself wondering what happened to the lovely kid that you had)
• Pushes all your buttons (seems intentional)

If you find yourself recognizing a lot or all of these behaviours, don't take it personally. Your toddler lacks the verbal skills to tell you exactly what it is that they need and instead uses their behaviour as a cry for help. Toddlers thrive on routine, and if that routine gets disrupted, it throws them off.  Things that stress us out, like vacations (either with or without kids), family visiting, transferring to a "big kid" bed, potty training and being pregnant or coping with a new addition to the family are even scarier for our toddlers. They need our help to understand that everything's going to be OK, and that they can get through this difficult time.

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This doesn't mean that we should never get out of our routines, but that we have to be aware of the effect that it will have on our toddlers. Here are three things you can do to help your toddler reestablish equilibrium. 

First, your toddler needs gentle limits. I know parents from all over the parenting spectrum so I will clarify what I mean for each end of the spectrum. Some of you have got the gentle part down pat. Anything you do that makes your child cry seems cruel. However, if your child isn't sure where the limits lie, they will continue to test them until they figure it out. If they find that the limits are too loose, they will act out out of fear (imagine the difference between crossing a narrow bridge with railings and without). Some of you may be saying, "Limits? Of course I set limits!" What you may struggle with is the gentle part. You don't need to yell. You don't need to get upset. You don't need to show any emotion whatsoever (in fact, the less emotion you show the better, so if you're having a hard time holding your poker face, give yourself some time to calm down). You can state the limit and then act on it (see this article on limit setting for more ideas). "No throwing. If you throw your toys, I will have to take them away." Child throws toy. You take it away. They cry. Which leads us to the next thing your child needs...

..,.acceptance of their feelings. Regardless of which end of the parenting spectrum you're coming from, you may struggle with hearing your child cry. For those from the permissive side, as mentioned, making your child cry seems cruel. You may remember what it was like to feel hurt as a child, and if your parent was authoritarian, you maybe have even been told not to cry. You are determined to do things differently. Parents coming from the authoritarian end of the spectrum also don't like to hear crying, but to them it's not about being mean, it's that letting them cry about not being able to break the rules seems like "giving in." For both types of parents, working on accepting those difficult feelings is important so they can learn that a) I can be sad, but it won't last forever and I will be OK, and b) my parent not only cares enough about me to set limits, they care that I'm upset. At no point should you do something to get the crying to stop, either positive (distracting them with something good) or negative (threatening them). It may seem like they will cry forever, but just see it through until the end. If you don't know what to do, just sit down beside them, close your eyes and focus on your breath (see my post on meditating so you don't get caught up in your thoughts while you're doing this). 

The last thing that your child needs is connection. This is probably the hardest thing to do even when your toddler isn't acting like a terror. Dr. Laura Markham recommends 15 minutes a day of "special time" with each kid, and although it doesn't seem like a lot, I still struggle to do it everyday (and when I do do it, it's with both kids at the same time, which isn't ideal). This part might even be harder than listening to your child cry, especially when you are already exhausted from dealing with their behaviour (this is where self-care becomes especially important). Some parents might even feel like this is rewarding the bad behaviour. Your child is trying to tell you with their behaviour that they need to know that you love them unconditionally. It's easy to love our kids when they are behaving. Being able to show your kids you love them when they're behaving horribly is really hard.

I'm not promising that these things will put an end to the behaviour, but they will at least give you a script to follow to get through it. If you're skeptical that it will make a difference, give it a trial period. If what you're currently doing isn't working for you, what have you got to lose?

For Further Thought:

1) What preconceived notions do you have about your child's behaviour? The next time they are misbehaving, try to listen to what's going on in your head before you react.

2) Do you struggle with setting gentle limits? Is it being gentle or the limit setting part that you have a hard time with?

3) How did your parents respond to big feelings when you were a kid? The next time your child is expressing some big feelings, try and listen to what's going on in your head before you react.

4) What obstacles are getting in your way of connecting with your child? Consider if you need more time for self-care, if you feel like connection is rewarding bad behaviour, or if you don't feel like you have enough time.

For Further Reading:

Janet Lansbury: The Real Reason Toddlers Push Limits

Parenting from Scratch: Tips for Setting and Holding Limits With Kids

Peaceful Parent: Helping Little People Deal With Their Big Feelings

AhaParenting: 5 Secrets to Loving Your Child Unconditionally

Meditation for Newbies

Meditation is something I had always wanted to try, so I decided to take a class at a meditation centre. I learned lots of different mindfulness techniques and even received several guided meditations that take about 15 minutes to do. Even though I knew these meditations would only take 15 minutes, I still struggled to do them. It took about two years until I made it a habit to meditate at least once a week for 15 minutes.

Meditation has helped me immensely not just as a relaxation and self-care technique, but in becoming more mindful -in being able to notice things going on around and inside me. I love how I feel after I meditate. You would think that after such a positive experience it would be easier to continue, right?

I have to admit that I still struggle to meditate even once a week for 15 minutes. Still, I realize that it's something that's good for me to do, so I try to push myself to do it.

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The nice thing about meditation is that it's simple to do and it's free. Here's how:

1) Set a timer for any length of time. It helps if the timer has a gentle ring at the end. Also, don't feel you have to aim for a really long time -start with just 5 minutes.

2) Sit or lie down comfortably. Use a pillow to help you sit more comfortably, if needed.

3) Practice breathing deeply. If you need something to focus on, focus on your breath, in and out.

4) Try not to be upset or angry at yourself if you get distracted. Imagine your thoughts as leaves on a stream, floating away. They may have caught your eye for a minute, but they are continuing on their way. Continue to breathe and refocus on your breath.

5) Open yourself up to whatever you may be feeling, and name it, without getting caught up in it. Mindfulness is about allowing and accepting. If you feel yourself getting stuck in your feelings or the thoughts that may accompany them, continue to focus on your breath.

Often people feel that they can't meditate properly because they feel fidgety and can't control their thoughts. It's important to recognize that there is no "proper" way to meditate and that meditation isn't about controlling your thoughts or "emptying your mind." Even if you are just sitting still for 15 minutes, you are still doing yourself a world of good.

For further thought:

1) What self-care rituals do you struggle to maintain?
2) Have you ever considered meditation as a parenting tool?
3) What obstacles prevent you from being able to meditate? How do you think you can overcome them?

For further reading:

Tara Brach: How to Meditate
Deepak Chopra: 7 Myths of Meditation
HuffPo: 12 Myths About Meditation, 6 Meditation Problems and Meditation for Parents
Tiny Buddha: 5 Meditation Myths
Life Hacker: Five Common Myths about Meditation
Meditation Oasis: Difficulty Meditating
The Anxious Lawyer: Difficulty Meditating – Troubleshooting Guide
The Change Blog: What To Do When Meditation Gets “Hard”

Noticing is the First Step

I lived in my house for six years before I found the most efficient way to get to the grocery store. For six years, at least once a week, sometimes even twice a week, I drove to the grocery store in the most inefficient way. Once I realized there was a better way to go (and you can bet I went a few ways which were also not as efficient before I found the best way), it took me awhile before that was the way I was consistently driving to and from the grocery store. Occasionally I would catch myself driving the less efficient way, and feel frustrated. Sometimes I would catch myself in the middle of driving that way, and go a slightly more efficient way but still not the best way. Even now, after driving the better way for over a year, I still catch myself on autopilot going the way I used to go.

Sometimes as parents we find ourselves doing things that aren't particularly efficient. I'm loathe to tell anyone they're doing something the wrong way (not only because there are a lot of other people out there eager to). I do, however, think that the way some parents do things is inefficient. Most likely we'll all get to the same place, in (mostly) one piece. But if you knew a better way to go, a way that got you there faster and with less frustration, wouldn't you want to go that way?

I'm not promising a walk through the park. Even when driving the most efficient way, sometimes, like during a snowstorm, it is not going to be fun driving to the grocery store. Sometimes there's construction, or a really, really slow car in front of you. A lot of things are out of our control. Still, I'm happy I found the more efficient way to drive to the store and I wouldn't go back to driving the other way just because once in awhile I get caught behind the garbage truck.

Sometimes, we are aware there is a more efficient way to go, but we don't know how to do it. Our autopilot comes on and before we know it, we're going down the least efficient route. After you get home and remember you could have gone a different way, you become even more frustrated with yourself. Here is where you need to remember: noticing is the first step. Instead of berating yourself for going the wrong way, be happy that not only do you know that there is a better way, but that you were able to realize that you didn't go that way. Not everyone has that awareness.

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Eventually, you will be able to notice that you are headed down the inefficient path in the middle of your drive. You can be frustrated and continue that way, or, you can try to correct your course and see if you can get on the more efficient path. Either way, you're noticing a little earlier and that should be celebrated. If you keep lauding yourself just for noticing, eventually you'll be catching yourself before you head on the inefficient path. You will have achieved your goal of changing the path you're on.

If you've been on the inefficient path for a long time, it will not be easy to change your way, but it can be done. Just remember: noticing is the first step. Meet yourself with self-compassion. You can do it.

For Further Thought:

1) What is it that you would like to do more efficiently as a parent?
2) In what ways can you support your noticing?
3) When in the past have you successfully changed a habit?

For Further Reading:

Zen Pencils: Ira Glass and the Gap

It's Not Working! 6 Tips to Tweak Your Parenting

You've picked your path. You're doing what works for you and it feels right. But how do you know it's working?

In an ideal world this question would be easy to answer. Your kids would be perfectly behaved, and there would be no need to second guess yourself. In the real world, however, your kids are not going to behave perfectly 100% of the time, no matter what parenting method you choose. Like us, kids are human. They are not perfect. They're going to mess up.

So how do you know it's working? I came across the Pareto Principle on AskMoxie, one of my favourite parenting blogs (I like it because she also has the attitude that you are the best parent for your child, which is also the title of the book she wrote). The Pareto Principle is also known as the 80/20 rule. In business, it means focusing 80% of your energy on the 20% most important things. In parenting, it means that as long as things are good 80% of the time, you can ignore the other 20% of the time when things go to pot. Read Kara at Simple Kids' post to learn more.

Sometimes, though things are not working even 80% of the time. Regardless of your parenting style, here are a few tips to tweak your parenting:

1) Change your perspective: Keep your expectations reasonable. Your child can't behave all the time. Try not to take it personally, and try to see them as someone who made a mistake and is in need of guidance rather than a malevolent being that needs to be taught a lesson.

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2) Remember the Big Picture: Sometimes they're just going through a phase. Take a deep breath and remember that this too, shall pass. Behavior is Not as Important as We Think.

3) Connect: if your child feels disconnected from you, they will be less likely to listen. Even 15 minutes a day of undivided attention can make a big difference.

4) Stay Calm: how can we expect our children to maintain their tempers if we can't? Children are more likely to listen when we can discipline calmly.

5) Keep it Simple: The less words you use to communicate, the better.

6) Mean what you say: If you say you're going to give consequences, give them.

For Further Thought:

1) How would you apply AskMoxie's take on the Pareto Principle to your parenting? What 20% of your life is giving you 80% of your trouble?

2) What do you love about your child? What things do you sometimes forget about them that make them a "good child?"

3) What "phase" is your child going through at the moment? What would be helpful for you and your child as you pass through this part of their life?

For Further Reading:

Love and Logic: It's Not Working
Janet Lansbury: If Gentle Discipline Isn't Working, This Might Be The Reason, Problems with Gentle Parenting and Common Toddler Discipline Mistakes
AhaParenting: Obedience: Why Do You Have To Tell Them Five Times? and 12 Ways to Get Past No
Not Just Cute: Six Ways You’re (Unintentionally) Telling Kids NOT to Listen
Positive Parenting Connection: When a Parenting Tool is Not Working
Huffington Post: 7 New Ways to Navigate Defiance From Your Child
The Genius in Children: Why Kids Listen to Parents or Don't