Screen Time -An Addendum

I've fallen off the wagon. I've been spending way too much time on my iPad, to the point where my daughter, age almost 5, has been telling me that I've been spending way too much time on my iPad. I haven't been meditating. Sometimes it's really, really hard to do the things you know you should (or not do the things you know you shouldn't).

I have fallen, and I have gotten up again. I joined the Peace Circle, which is a beautiful community of mamas who have completed the Abundant Mama Project. Someone made a really good suggestion that I check out Molly McLeod's Wallpapers. I downloaded one of her wallpapers, and then browsed Google images for another background that I found meaningful.

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It's actually made a difference. I also made an effort to start meditating again. However, I don't want anyone to think that I'm some kind of super-mom who's always doing the right thing. Sometimes I find it really hard to write blog posts because I'm worried that I'm setting up a standard of parenthood that I can't live up to. I called my blog Authentic Parenting not to pay homage to an overused buzzword but because if there's any kind of parent I want to be, it's a real one. One that has bad days. One that scratches the car, spills the milk, loses her mittens, ignores her kids. I hope that anyone reading this is also interested in becoming the best real parent they can be. One that understands that no matter how well you practice your parenting, you will still have days that are chaotic and messy. Kids who will not listen. Tempers that get lost. Tears that need to be cried. This is life, and I want to live it in the most real way I can. Want to join me?

Screen Time

Today I want to talk about screen time. No, this is not a post to make your feel guilty about how much time your kids spend looking at screens. This is a post to make you feel guilty about how much time you spend looking at screens in the presence of your kids. To be honest, I don't want you to feel guilty about it at all, so I will try to frame this around my own difficulties with screen time.

There are too many articles out there ready to shame parents for ignoring their kids, and I don't want this to be another one. I think we all know deep down when we're spending too much time on our screens. At least I do. Sometimes I get an almost addicted feeling, like I reeeeeeeeeeeeally need to be on a screen, and then I feel guilty that not only am I on my screen when I shouldn't be but that I am unable to stop myself from being on a screen.

The biggest problem with all these articles about distracted parents is that they are full of finger-wagging but offer little in the way of remedying the problem, aside from telling you to just stop being on your screen. 'Cause that's always been helpful...

Frankly, I find it amusing that people are so quick to blame the latest technology for the fact that parents are more distracted these days. Back in my day my mom ignored us with a good book. We had to work hard to entertain ourselves without raising her ire by fighting or making too big of a mess. I'm fairly certain this helped us develop our social skills and imaginations (or maybe our negotiating skills: "OK, if you won't tell mom about this bad thing I did, I won't tell her about that bad thing you did."). My mom was lucky that she didn't have the entire Internet telling her how awful she was for ignoring her kids. In fact, moms today spend more time with their kids than did moms in the 60s. I wonder if it has anything to do with all this internet guilt?

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I'm not here to tell you that you should ignore the critics and spend as much time on your screen as you'd like. I do think that benevolent neglect is a thing that every parent should practice. And as I pointed out, it's not about being on a screen. It's about distracting yourself. The question is, what are you distracting yourself from? 

In this NSFW video, Louis C.K. talks about how we distract ourselves from feeling things we don't want to feel using our phones (among other things). 

Louis is one wise guy. He's right: we can never be fully happy if we don't let ourselves feel fully sad. Brené Brown talks about this in her book "Daring Greatly." She says: “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” When we're spending time on our screens (even if it isn't around our kids) for the purpose of distracting ourselves from our lives, we are doing ourselves a disservice.

Here's what I've noticed about when I feel a really strong craving for my screen. Usually I haven't had a lot of alone time. Sometimes I'm also really tired. Oftentimes, I haven't done any self-care like exercise or meditation in a few days. My cup is dry, and being on a screen helps me to fill it, even if it's just a few drops. 

My drug of choice

Again, I'm not here to guilt anyone. Making yourself feel guilty does not solve the problem. Being more mindful of why we do the things we do and meeting ourselves with compassion will. We don't need to give up technology or whatever else it is that we use to distract ourselves as long as we are being intentional and mindful with its use. Start with doing what really fills your cup instead of settling for just a few drops.

For Further Thought:

1) What obstacle gets in the way of filling your cup, and settling for drops of self-care instead?

2) What is your distraction drug of choice?

3) What are you distracting yourself from?

For Further Reading:

Fried Okra: Dear Mom on the Iphone, I Get It
Abundant Life Children: Can I Have Your Attention, Please?
The Momiverse: 14 Steps to Being a Less Distracted Parent
Janet Lansbury: Do Wired Parents Need a Time Out...or Less Guilt?
Not Just Cute: How to Pull it Together When You’re Parenting on Empty
Regarding Baby: Take Care of Yourself and When Technology Brings Us Together
Respectful Parent: Connection and Disconnection: Parenting with Smartphones
Time: The Case for Somewhat Distracted Parenting

Meditation IRL

Being able to bring meditation into your daily routine can be a great way to incorporate mindfulness into your daily life. It's not always possible to spend lots of time meditating, but it is possible to be more mindful throughout the day. Meditation is what's called a formal mindfulness practice. There are many informal mindfulness practices - and many ways to take what you are already doing in your life and create a mindfulness practice from it. Also, the goal isn't to try to be mindful 100% of the time. What's important is to have a practice of mindfulness so that when you're in the middle of the parenting game, you can call upon what you have gained in your practice to help you.

We are very used to multi-tasking. Often it isn't even about getting more than one thing done at a time, but about distracting ourselves until we're finished with an activity. I can't even wait in line anymore without being on my phone! However, not only is multi-tasking bad for our efficiency and proficiency, it's detrimental to our ability to be mindful. Sometimes multi-tasking cannot be helped. Dinner has to get on the table and you have to keep tabs on what your toddler is doing, otherwise you'll either have really hungry children or a really big mess to clean up after. Sometimes, though, we get so used to having our attention on multiple things at once that merely paying attention to one thing at a time is boring. In these cases, it's important to push past the uncomfortable feelings of boredom and give ourselves a chance to be mindful.

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Much like meditation, informal mindfulness practices are about being present in whatever you are doing. You can use mundane things such as going for a walk, doing the dishes, eating, showering or brushing your teeth as informal mindfulness practices. Find your breath, try to be aware of the what's going on around you, and when you get distracted, gently bring your attention back to what you are doing. If you are washing dishes, you are concentrating on washing the dishes, not planning what you're going to make for supper the next day. You are aware of all the sights, smells and sensations that go along with washing the dishes. Much like in meditation, we can feel fidgety or allow ourselves to get distracted by what we are going to do next. However, recognizing and staying with this discomfort is part of mindfulness, and can help us to deal with other uncomfortable feelings that will come about as a result of daily life.

Ideally we would make time in our day for both formal and informal meditation practices. However, if you find the idea of meditating daunting or you don't think you can make the time meditate, starting with an informal meditation practice can be a great way to experiment with the concept of mindfulness.

For Further Thought:

1) Are you aware of when you are multi-tasking? 

2) Do you find ever yourself unnecessarily multi-tasking?

3) What obstacles prevent you from adding an informal meditation practice to your life?

For Further Reading:

PsychCentral: Informal Mindfulness Practice: Being Present for a Few Moments at a Time

Mrs. Mindfulness: 11 Ways to Bring More Mindfulness Into Your Life Today

Daily Good: 5 Ways To Bring Mindfulness Into Everyday Life

HuffPo: 13 Things Mindful People Do Differently Every Day

Zen Habits: The Mindfulness Guide for the Super Busy: How to Live Life to the Fullest

Meditation for Newbies

Meditation is something I had always wanted to try, so I decided to take a class at a meditation centre. I learned lots of different mindfulness techniques and even received several guided meditations that take about 15 minutes to do. Even though I knew these meditations would only take 15 minutes, I still struggled to do them. It took about two years until I made it a habit to meditate at least once a week for 15 minutes.

Meditation has helped me immensely not just as a relaxation and self-care technique, but in becoming more mindful -in being able to notice things going on around and inside me. I love how I feel after I meditate. You would think that after such a positive experience it would be easier to continue, right?

I have to admit that I still struggle to meditate even once a week for 15 minutes. Still, I realize that it's something that's good for me to do, so I try to push myself to do it.

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The nice thing about meditation is that it's simple to do and it's free. Here's how:

1) Set a timer for any length of time. It helps if the timer has a gentle ring at the end. Also, don't feel you have to aim for a really long time -start with just 5 minutes.

2) Sit or lie down comfortably. Use a pillow to help you sit more comfortably, if needed.

3) Practice breathing deeply. If you need something to focus on, focus on your breath, in and out.

4) Try not to be upset or angry at yourself if you get distracted. Imagine your thoughts as leaves on a stream, floating away. They may have caught your eye for a minute, but they are continuing on their way. Continue to breathe and refocus on your breath.

5) Open yourself up to whatever you may be feeling, and name it, without getting caught up in it. Mindfulness is about allowing and accepting. If you feel yourself getting stuck in your feelings or the thoughts that may accompany them, continue to focus on your breath.

Often people feel that they can't meditate properly because they feel fidgety and can't control their thoughts. It's important to recognize that there is no "proper" way to meditate and that meditation isn't about controlling your thoughts or "emptying your mind." Even if you are just sitting still for 15 minutes, you are still doing yourself a world of good.

For further thought:

1) What self-care rituals do you struggle to maintain?
2) Have you ever considered meditation as a parenting tool?
3) What obstacles prevent you from being able to meditate? How do you think you can overcome them?

For further reading:

Tara Brach: How to Meditate
Deepak Chopra: 7 Myths of Meditation
HuffPo: 12 Myths About Meditation, 6 Meditation Problems and Meditation for Parents
Tiny Buddha: 5 Meditation Myths
Life Hacker: Five Common Myths about Meditation
Meditation Oasis: Difficulty Meditating
The Anxious Lawyer: Difficulty Meditating – Troubleshooting Guide
The Change Blog: What To Do When Meditation Gets “Hard”

The One Thing I Wish I Had Known Before I Became a Parent

I've been a mom now for over four years, which in the grand scheme of things is not really that long. It's only recently that I've been getting serious about self-care, so it's only recently that I realized something really important about myself.

I am an introvert.

Susan Cain's book Quiet only came out in 2012, a year after I became a parent for the first time. Finding time to read in the first few years of parenting was hard, so it was a while before I actually got around to reading it. I had known before I had read it that I was an introvert, so part of me even resisted reading it, but I'm really glad I did. It was so validating to know that introversion is not a defective personality trait.



Introversion (and its opposite, extroversion) is a way of understanding one's personality. "Extroversion tends to be manifested in outgoing, talkative, energetic behavior, whereas introversion is manifested in more reserved and solitary behavior," says Wikipedia. However, there are a lot of myths about introverts, which I think stems from a misunderstanding about their motivations for their behaviour. The reason extroverts are generally more outgoing is because that's how they recharge. The reason introverts are generally more reserved is because solitude and quiet are what they need to recharge.

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Realizing that I require a great deal of solitude helps me to understand why nap time and bedtime are some of my favourite times. It helps me to understand why I never wanted to do playgroups, and why I hate going to kids' birthday parties. Finally I understand that if I want to take care of myself, I need to be careful not to fill up nap time and post-kids'-bedtime with too many activities so I can better appreciate the solitude.

Parenting as an introvert can be really tough, especially when your kids are really small and need you constantly. While having a partner can be helpful to get some alone time (hello, Daddy who takes the kids to the park!) it can also mean that when you finally get some time to yourself, you have to share it with someone else. There's also a lot of pressure to do things with your kids, like playdates, playgroups and other sports, lessons or group activities.

Knowing what you need to recharge is half the battle. It helps you to lessen the guilt you have about not doing all the things you think you need to be doing to be the perfect parent. It will also help you plan your time better. For instance, if you have a birthday party to attend on Sunday, you know that planning a play date on Saturday is probably a bad idea. Unless you get to drop your kid off and have some alone time, in which case it is an awesome idea.

Knowing what works for you will also affect your parenting style. I love my kids, and I love spending time with them, but the strong emphasis on that attachment part of attachment parenting means that it is not for me. Clearly, I'm not the only one who thinks so. It's not to say that you can't be an introvert and be an attachment parent, but that it's worth considering where the overlap might cause friction.

There is nothing wrong with being an introvert, but in a world where the majority are extroverted it means we have to work a little harder to understand ourselves and our needs. This is just as important to do when we become parents, especially when there are young introverts watching.

For Further Thought:

1) Are you an introvert or an extrovert? (Here's a quiz to help you!)

2) What does self-care look like for you as an introvert or extrovert?

3) In what way does your orientation impact your parenting, both in your philosophy of parenting and in how you parent?

For Further Reading:

Space2Live: There's nothing wrong with you, you're an introvert

Good: 10 Illustrations that Nail What it Means to be an Introvert

TED: Susan Cain's Ted Talk "The Power of Introverts"

HuffPo: Why Parenting is Hard for Introverts

I Gave Up By Noon: For the Introverted Mother

Missguided Mama: Your Introvert Mom Survival Guide: 10 tricks to save your sanity

Scary Mommy: 4 Tips for Surviving Parenthood as an Introverted Mom

Creating a Fair Haven: 10 Survival Tips for Introverted Parents

Quiet Revolution: How to Find Quiet as a Parent, Wherever You Are and The Benefits of Being an Introverted Parent

The Number One Parenting Tool That Nobody Talks About

I'd like to elaborate more on the idea of "enoughness." I think everyone (including myself) needs convincing that being hard on ourselves so we don't become lazy, narcissistic, or [insert bad thing you are afraid of becoming here] doesn't actually work. It seems like common sense that if we punish ourselves, we will want to avoid punishment in the future. We also think that if we feel bad about ourselves, the solution is to build up our self-esteem by doing wonderful things. The good news is that the research shows these things are not true. The bad news is that the real remedy to our problems still requires work.

I am a big fan of Kristin Neff. She is a researcher who has done work on self-compassion and self-esteem. Her research shows that rather than following the highs and lows of self-esteem, we should develop self-compassion instead. Self-compassion is the tool that will help us develop the sense of "enoughness" that will keep us on an even keel.

Self-compassion involves three things. The first is the recognition that we are suffering, and being kind to ourselves as a result. Instead of soldiering on through a hard day, we recognize that the day has been difficult and try to offer ourselves what we need. Instead of being angry with ourselves for yelling at our kids, we recognize that we are upset without berating ourselves. The second part is common humanity. We recognize that we are not the only ones suffering, that other parents have gone through the same things we have. The final component is mindfulness. We recognize that we are suffering and allow ourselves to feel the emotion we are feeling without wallowing in it.

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Obviously these three things are not easy to do. If we are used to repressing our emotions, it can be difficult to feel them again, not to mention the difficulty in not getting carried away by them. However, practicing self-compassion is the only way off the worthiness hamster-wheel. We cannot effect real change in ourselves without it.

For Further Thought:

1) What are you afraid of becoming if you don't keep yourself in line?

2) What are you worried will happen if you allow yourself to feel the full extent of your feelings?

3) What do you think is your biggest obstacle in practicing self-compassion?

For Further Reading:

"Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff (watch her TED talk here)

Self-Compassion:  What Self-Compassion is Not and Why We Should Stop Chasing Self-Esteem and Start Developing Self-Compassion and Does Self-Compassion Mean Letting Yourself Off the Hook?

HuffPo: Why Caregivers Need Self-Compassion

Parent Map: A Self-Compassion Framework for Motherhood

Parenting 101: 10 Reminders to Boost Mom's Self-Compassion

Positive Parents: Self-Compassion Through the Rough Patches

Barefoot Barn: Three Ways to Practice Self-Compassion

Enough

I have a love-hate relationship with Pinterest. On the one hand, I love that it's a place for me to keep all the recipes I'm interested in trying, as well as all the other virtual things I like to hoard. On the other hand, when I get caught up looking at all the activities I feel like I should be doing with my kids, well...

Being a parent is hard work. Our ability to see what other parents are doing and compare our beginnings to other people's middles certainly doesn't make it any easier. We read blog posts detailing messy crafts and sensory bins, we see pictures of our friends and families going on outings and we think, "I should do that." If we only used these sources to get inspired, it would be one thing, but more often we are using them as a meter stick, to see how we measure up. The real challenge, however, is not avoiding comparison, it is avoiding the "worthiness hustle" altogether.

I'm a big fan of the work of Brené Brown. She is a researcher who came across interesting findings regarding shame. Her has been featured on Oprah. She believes (and has the research to back it up) that as long as we feel like we have to do things to be worthy (what she calls the "worthiness hustle"), we will never achieve it. However, once we decide that we are enough, just as we are, we are.

by Kelly Rae Roberts Source 

We think that we can harness the power of shame. We think that if we beat ourselves up enough about all the things we didn't do but should have and all the things we did do but shouldn't have that we can make ourselves better. It just doesn't work that way. Furthermore, if we are constantly berating ourselves we will not feel motivated to take care of ourselves. We will not feel like we deserve it or be able to take in all the wonderful things life has to offer. How can we parent from emptiness?

You, dear parent, are enough, just as you are. Don't forget that.

For Further Thought:

1) What things do you do to hustle for worthiness?

2) How would it change your life to know that you no longer had to hustle for your worthiness?

3) Our children are our best teachers. Do you expect them to work for their love from you? Why do you make yourself work for it?

For Further Reading:

"I Thought It was Just Me" and "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown (watch her TED talks on The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame)

Aha Parenting: Spring Cleaning for your Psyche

Barefoot Barn: The Mistaken Belief Moms Hold

Abundant Mama: A Mindful Mother's Guide to Feeling Worthy

Hands Free Mama: The Kind of Mothering We All Need

Finding Joy: Why Being a Mom is Enough and Dear I am Enough Mom

First Things First: Self-Care

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Or so the cliche goes. Does anyone else wonder if they were in an emergency situation on an airplane with their kids if they would actually put their own oxygen masks on first?

I've been procrastinating thinking really hard about writing this post because I don't feel qualified to write it I really wanted to do it justice. It amazes me how something so important can be so difficult to do.

So, what is self-care, and why is it necessary?

Self-care means that we take care of ourselves. That we fill our own cups so we are better able to fill the cups of others. Self-care is necessary because we are not an infinite source of energy. We need to take time to renew ourselves and be ourselves to be our best selves. While there is this feeling that we have to "do it all" (whatever that means) and put everyone else first in order to be a good parent, the only thing we will succeed in with that mentality is burning out. Not to mention having a crisis when being a parent is no longer our primary responsibility.

Often we feel like we don't have time to take care of ourselves. It's important to remember that while there will always be another load of laundry or another plate to wash, your energy will not always be there. You will never find time to take care of yourself; it's something you have to make time for.

Self-care can mean different things to different people. It isn't something that has to take a lot of time or cost a lot of money. While self-care can mean an afternoon at the spa, it also means all the little day-to-day things we do for ourselves. At a play date, one mother expressed that she always made sure to put lotion on her daughter, but never put it on herself. So self-care can mean something as simple as putting lotion on every day.

Our children are our best teachers. If you're not sure what nice things you can do for yourself, just think of all the things you do for them. How we care for them also shows us how to find the balance between self-care and self-indulgence.

Self-care means:

• We feed ourselves nourishing foods, but occasionally we indulge in treats.

• We dress ourselves comfortably, but occasionally dress up

• We take care of our hygiene needs, like bathing, brushing our teeth and putting on lotion, but recognize the need for a pajama day now and then (a really nice thing you can do for yourself is close the bathroom door when you go!)

• We go out and do activities that we enjoy, and sometimes just hang out at home

• We tidy up our space, but sometimes forgo doing the dishes for a nap

• We make time for our own creative pursuits like writing, music or art 

• We make time to see our friends, but respect our need for solitude

• We make time to move our bodies in ways that feel good, but sometimes we become one with the couch

If you can't manage to take care of yourself for your own sake, think of your children. Your goal is for them to eventually be able to do all the things you do for them for themselves. If they aren't able to see you do these things for yourself, how will they know it's OK for them to take care of themselves?

"When we feed and support our own happiness, we are nourishing our ability to love. That’s why to love means to learn the art of nourishing our happiness."

                                                 - Thich Nhat Hanh



For Further Thought:

1) What are things you make sure to do for your children that you don't do for yourself?

2) What are some small things you can do for yourself that you can incorporate into your daily routine? For example, taking deep breaths, stretching, putting on lotion.

3) What beliefs are getting in the way of you taking care of you? ("I don't have time" doesn't count. Nobody *has* time. We make time for the things we think are important.)

For Further Reading:

HuffPo: The Quickest Way to Tear Down an Entire Family

Regarding Baby: Take Care of Yourself

Aha Parenting: The Secret of a Full Cup

Abundant Mama: Two Self-Care Myths Sabotaging Your Me Time
(I highly recommend the Abundant Mama E-Course!)

Barefoot Barn: Drop the Mama Guilt and Get Resourced

Abundant Life Children: Caring for My Children, Caring for Myself

Core Parenting Pdx: Learning to Care for Ourselves

Christie Inge: Podcast: Honoring Your Needs in a Busy World 

Presence Parenting: It's OK to Need Time Alone

Parenting Isn't Easy

I think the other reason why we think we're doing parenting wrong is because it's hard. If we were doing it right, it would be easy, wouldn't it?

The thing is, parenting is hard work. Even on the days when everything goes right, parenting is hard work. Even when the sun is shining, parenting is hard work. Even when the kids are behaving, parenting is hard work.

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But we do it. We go to bed, tired and worn out (and probably too late) and we get up the next morning tired and worn out and we do it again. And again. And again.

I think it's important to tell ourselves that parenting is hard work. That maybe it's supposed to be hard. That maybe we don't need anything fixed, that we're not doing anything wrong, we don't need to tweak anything, that it's just hard. But you're still doing a good job.

Parenting is hard because it is physically tiring. Our kids have boundless energy and require near-constant attention. Some of them don't sleep through the night. Some of them are going through a difficult phase. Some of them have been going through a difficult phase since birth. Some of them are high-spirited. All of them want us to play with them, to get down on our hands and knees or to run and chase them or to go outside to the park.

Parenting is hard because it is mentally tiring. We read books and articles, and discuss it with our friends. We learn like we are preparing for the biggest exam of our life, except that there are multiple textbooks and they don't always agree with each other. We create a plan of action, and wonder as it plays out if this was the right course. And then we wonder if our problem is all this flip-flopping. Just as we're getting the hang of things, everything changes, requiring new research into new problems.

Parenting is hard because it is emotionally tiring. We walk around every day with our hearts outside our bodies. We worry about all the bad things that can happen to our children, and if we're one of them. We worry that we love them too much, and they'll grow up to be over-entitled spoiled brats, or that we don't love them enough, and they'll grow up to be (fill the the blank with your worst nightmare).

Why do we pretend parenting is easy when it's not? Why do we beat ourselves up for working a hard job, instead of congratulating ourselves for it? Parenting is hard work. Good on you for doing it, however you're doing it.

For Further Thought:

1) Do you equate easy with right and hard with wrong? What would you say to your child who thought that because they were having a hard time with something, they were doing it wrong?

2) How do you acknowledge the hard work that you do?

3) In what ways do you compare yourself with other people who seem to find parenting easy? In what ways do you think that other parents might think you find parenting easy?

For Further Reading:

Every Chance to Learn: Why Modern Parenting is Hard
Barbara Vogelgesang: Sometimes Being a Parent is Just Plain Hard
Finding Joy: Dear Mom Letters
Deciphering Morgan: Parenting is Hard
Core Parenting: The Parenthood FairyTale
Happiness is Here: Gentle Parenting Isn't Meant to be Easy