Finding the Middle Ground

I realized this week that the problem with all parenting books is that they assume that one size fits all. That all parents are starting from the same place, that their kids all have the same temperament, and that all parents want to parent in the same way. While it's obvious that not all parents and children are the same, I figured that regardless, if there was a parenting method that worked, all parents should try to parent that way. I have no evidence that there is one particular parenting method that works for every parent and every child even some of the time, let alone all the time, but even if there were, it can't be approached in the same way by every parent.

In the Peace Circle this month, the theme is "bendy." I have taken e-courses on boundaries and it still took a few weeks for me to realize that being flexible has to do with boundaries. Some of the mamas are too rigid. The problem with being too rigid with your boundaries is that as soon as you collide with someone else's wants and needs-which is guaranteed to happen when you become a parent- you will break. The other side of the coin (and this is where I find myself) are the mamas who are too bendy. While one might think that being flexible is a good thing, the other extreme has a tendency to bend so much that they also break.

If I had not already worked with the idea of boundaries, I might look at the theme of bendy and think that being more flexible will help me, and end up breaking myself in the process. Personally, I need to learn how to set limits and be less bendy. However, if someone who is not bendy at all took a course in setting limits, they would not benefit from it either.

Enjoy this picture of a dog

I've never read anywhere about considering which end of the authoritarian-permissive spectrum you're on before making adjustments to your parenting style. The problem is that people have a tendency to avoid the middle ground and stick to their extremes. Authoritarian parents believe that you are either strict and make your kids tow the line, or you are permissive and indulgent. Permissive parents believe that either you have a good relationship with your child, or you are punitive and harsh. It creates a false dichotomy between setting limits and having a good relationship with your child, as if you cannot do both (hint: you can). Parents on one end have difficulty setting limits, and parents on the other end have difficulty setting limits while maintaining their relationship with their child. 

If you've been having difficulties setting limits with your child, don't feel you need to change your personality to be more harsh. Conversely, if you want to be less punitive with your child, you don't need to become all sunshine and rainbows and let your kid get away with things. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, there is a happy middle ground where parents from both ends of the spectrum can meet. Getting there, however, will depend on which end of the spectrum you're coming from.

Screen Time -An Addendum

I've fallen off the wagon. I've been spending way too much time on my iPad, to the point where my daughter, age almost 5, has been telling me that I've been spending way too much time on my iPad. I haven't been meditating. Sometimes it's really, really hard to do the things you know you should (or not do the things you know you shouldn't).

I have fallen, and I have gotten up again. I joined the Peace Circle, which is a beautiful community of mamas who have completed the Abundant Mama Project. Someone made a really good suggestion that I check out Molly McLeod's Wallpapers. I downloaded one of her wallpapers, and then browsed Google images for another background that I found meaningful.

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It's actually made a difference. I also made an effort to start meditating again. However, I don't want anyone to think that I'm some kind of super-mom who's always doing the right thing. Sometimes I find it really hard to write blog posts because I'm worried that I'm setting up a standard of parenthood that I can't live up to. I called my blog Authentic Parenting not to pay homage to an overused buzzword but because if there's any kind of parent I want to be, it's a real one. One that has bad days. One that scratches the car, spills the milk, loses her mittens, ignores her kids. I hope that anyone reading this is also interested in becoming the best real parent they can be. One that understands that no matter how well you practice your parenting, you will still have days that are chaotic and messy. Kids who will not listen. Tempers that get lost. Tears that need to be cried. This is life, and I want to live it in the most real way I can. Want to join me?

Screen Time

Today I want to talk about screen time. No, this is not a post to make your feel guilty about how much time your kids spend looking at screens. This is a post to make you feel guilty about how much time you spend looking at screens in the presence of your kids. To be honest, I don't want you to feel guilty about it at all, so I will try to frame this around my own difficulties with screen time.

There are too many articles out there ready to shame parents for ignoring their kids, and I don't want this to be another one. I think we all know deep down when we're spending too much time on our screens. At least I do. Sometimes I get an almost addicted feeling, like I reeeeeeeeeeeeally need to be on a screen, and then I feel guilty that not only am I on my screen when I shouldn't be but that I am unable to stop myself from being on a screen.

The biggest problem with all these articles about distracted parents is that they are full of finger-wagging but offer little in the way of remedying the problem, aside from telling you to just stop being on your screen. 'Cause that's always been helpful...

Frankly, I find it amusing that people are so quick to blame the latest technology for the fact that parents are more distracted these days. Back in my day my mom ignored us with a good book. We had to work hard to entertain ourselves without raising her ire by fighting or making too big of a mess. I'm fairly certain this helped us develop our social skills and imaginations (or maybe our negotiating skills: "OK, if you won't tell mom about this bad thing I did, I won't tell her about that bad thing you did."). My mom was lucky that she didn't have the entire Internet telling her how awful she was for ignoring her kids. In fact, moms today spend more time with their kids than did moms in the 60s. I wonder if it has anything to do with all this internet guilt?

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I'm not here to tell you that you should ignore the critics and spend as much time on your screen as you'd like. I do think that benevolent neglect is a thing that every parent should practice. And as I pointed out, it's not about being on a screen. It's about distracting yourself. The question is, what are you distracting yourself from? 

In this NSFW video, Louis C.K. talks about how we distract ourselves from feeling things we don't want to feel using our phones (among other things). 

Louis is one wise guy. He's right: we can never be fully happy if we don't let ourselves feel fully sad. Brené Brown talks about this in her book "Daring Greatly." She says: “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” When we're spending time on our screens (even if it isn't around our kids) for the purpose of distracting ourselves from our lives, we are doing ourselves a disservice.

Here's what I've noticed about when I feel a really strong craving for my screen. Usually I haven't had a lot of alone time. Sometimes I'm also really tired. Oftentimes, I haven't done any self-care like exercise or meditation in a few days. My cup is dry, and being on a screen helps me to fill it, even if it's just a few drops. 

My drug of choice

Again, I'm not here to guilt anyone. Making yourself feel guilty does not solve the problem. Being more mindful of why we do the things we do and meeting ourselves with compassion will. We don't need to give up technology or whatever else it is that we use to distract ourselves as long as we are being intentional and mindful with its use. Start with doing what really fills your cup instead of settling for just a few drops.

For Further Thought:

1) What obstacle gets in the way of filling your cup, and settling for drops of self-care instead?

2) What is your distraction drug of choice?

3) What are you distracting yourself from?

For Further Reading:

Fried Okra: Dear Mom on the Iphone, I Get It
Abundant Life Children: Can I Have Your Attention, Please?
The Momiverse: 14 Steps to Being a Less Distracted Parent
Janet Lansbury: Do Wired Parents Need a Time Out...or Less Guilt?
Not Just Cute: How to Pull it Together When You’re Parenting on Empty
Regarding Baby: Take Care of Yourself and When Technology Brings Us Together
Respectful Parent: Connection and Disconnection: Parenting with Smartphones
Time: The Case for Somewhat Distracted Parenting

Meditation IRL

Being able to bring meditation into your daily routine can be a great way to incorporate mindfulness into your daily life. It's not always possible to spend lots of time meditating, but it is possible to be more mindful throughout the day. Meditation is what's called a formal mindfulness practice. There are many informal mindfulness practices - and many ways to take what you are already doing in your life and create a mindfulness practice from it. Also, the goal isn't to try to be mindful 100% of the time. What's important is to have a practice of mindfulness so that when you're in the middle of the parenting game, you can call upon what you have gained in your practice to help you.

We are very used to multi-tasking. Often it isn't even about getting more than one thing done at a time, but about distracting ourselves until we're finished with an activity. I can't even wait in line anymore without being on my phone! However, not only is multi-tasking bad for our efficiency and proficiency, it's detrimental to our ability to be mindful. Sometimes multi-tasking cannot be helped. Dinner has to get on the table and you have to keep tabs on what your toddler is doing, otherwise you'll either have really hungry children or a really big mess to clean up after. Sometimes, though, we get so used to having our attention on multiple things at once that merely paying attention to one thing at a time is boring. In these cases, it's important to push past the uncomfortable feelings of boredom and give ourselves a chance to be mindful.

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Much like meditation, informal mindfulness practices are about being present in whatever you are doing. You can use mundane things such as going for a walk, doing the dishes, eating, showering or brushing your teeth as informal mindfulness practices. Find your breath, try to be aware of the what's going on around you, and when you get distracted, gently bring your attention back to what you are doing. If you are washing dishes, you are concentrating on washing the dishes, not planning what you're going to make for supper the next day. You are aware of all the sights, smells and sensations that go along with washing the dishes. Much like in meditation, we can feel fidgety or allow ourselves to get distracted by what we are going to do next. However, recognizing and staying with this discomfort is part of mindfulness, and can help us to deal with other uncomfortable feelings that will come about as a result of daily life.

Ideally we would make time in our day for both formal and informal meditation practices. However, if you find the idea of meditating daunting or you don't think you can make the time meditate, starting with an informal meditation practice can be a great way to experiment with the concept of mindfulness.

For Further Thought:

1) Are you aware of when you are multi-tasking? 

2) Do you find ever yourself unnecessarily multi-tasking?

3) What obstacles prevent you from adding an informal meditation practice to your life?

For Further Reading:

PsychCentral: Informal Mindfulness Practice: Being Present for a Few Moments at a Time

Mrs. Mindfulness: 11 Ways to Bring More Mindfulness Into Your Life Today

Daily Good: 5 Ways To Bring Mindfulness Into Everyday Life

HuffPo: 13 Things Mindful People Do Differently Every Day

Zen Habits: The Mindfulness Guide for the Super Busy: How to Live Life to the Fullest

Meditation for Newbies

Meditation is something I had always wanted to try, so I decided to take a class at a meditation centre. I learned lots of different mindfulness techniques and even received several guided meditations that take about 15 minutes to do. Even though I knew these meditations would only take 15 minutes, I still struggled to do them. It took about two years until I made it a habit to meditate at least once a week for 15 minutes.

Meditation has helped me immensely not just as a relaxation and self-care technique, but in becoming more mindful -in being able to notice things going on around and inside me. I love how I feel after I meditate. You would think that after such a positive experience it would be easier to continue, right?

I have to admit that I still struggle to meditate even once a week for 15 minutes. Still, I realize that it's something that's good for me to do, so I try to push myself to do it.

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The nice thing about meditation is that it's simple to do and it's free. Here's how:

1) Set a timer for any length of time. It helps if the timer has a gentle ring at the end. Also, don't feel you have to aim for a really long time -start with just 5 minutes.

2) Sit or lie down comfortably. Use a pillow to help you sit more comfortably, if needed.

3) Practice breathing deeply. If you need something to focus on, focus on your breath, in and out.

4) Try not to be upset or angry at yourself if you get distracted. Imagine your thoughts as leaves on a stream, floating away. They may have caught your eye for a minute, but they are continuing on their way. Continue to breathe and refocus on your breath.

5) Open yourself up to whatever you may be feeling, and name it, without getting caught up in it. Mindfulness is about allowing and accepting. If you feel yourself getting stuck in your feelings or the thoughts that may accompany them, continue to focus on your breath.

Often people feel that they can't meditate properly because they feel fidgety and can't control their thoughts. It's important to recognize that there is no "proper" way to meditate and that meditation isn't about controlling your thoughts or "emptying your mind." Even if you are just sitting still for 15 minutes, you are still doing yourself a world of good.

For further thought:

1) What self-care rituals do you struggle to maintain?
2) Have you ever considered meditation as a parenting tool?
3) What obstacles prevent you from being able to meditate? How do you think you can overcome them?

For further reading:

Tara Brach: How to Meditate
Deepak Chopra: 7 Myths of Meditation
HuffPo: 12 Myths About Meditation, 6 Meditation Problems and Meditation for Parents
Tiny Buddha: 5 Meditation Myths
Life Hacker: Five Common Myths about Meditation
Meditation Oasis: Difficulty Meditating
The Anxious Lawyer: Difficulty Meditating – Troubleshooting Guide
The Change Blog: What To Do When Meditation Gets “Hard”

Noticing is the First Step

I lived in my house for six years before I found the most efficient way to get to the grocery store. For six years, at least once a week, sometimes even twice a week, I drove to the grocery store in the most inefficient way. Once I realized there was a better way to go (and you can bet I went a few ways which were also not as efficient before I found the best way), it took me awhile before that was the way I was consistently driving to and from the grocery store. Occasionally I would catch myself driving the less efficient way, and feel frustrated. Sometimes I would catch myself in the middle of driving that way, and go a slightly more efficient way but still not the best way. Even now, after driving the better way for over a year, I still catch myself on autopilot going the way I used to go.

Sometimes as parents we find ourselves doing things that aren't particularly efficient. I'm loathe to tell anyone they're doing something the wrong way (not only because there are a lot of other people out there eager to). I do, however, think that the way some parents do things is inefficient. Most likely we'll all get to the same place, in (mostly) one piece. But if you knew a better way to go, a way that got you there faster and with less frustration, wouldn't you want to go that way?

I'm not promising a walk through the park. Even when driving the most efficient way, sometimes, like during a snowstorm, it is not going to be fun driving to the grocery store. Sometimes there's construction, or a really, really slow car in front of you. A lot of things are out of our control. Still, I'm happy I found the more efficient way to drive to the store and I wouldn't go back to driving the other way just because once in awhile I get caught behind the garbage truck.

Sometimes, we are aware there is a more efficient way to go, but we don't know how to do it. Our autopilot comes on and before we know it, we're going down the least efficient route. After you get home and remember you could have gone a different way, you become even more frustrated with yourself. Here is where you need to remember: noticing is the first step. Instead of berating yourself for going the wrong way, be happy that not only do you know that there is a better way, but that you were able to realize that you didn't go that way. Not everyone has that awareness.

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Eventually, you will be able to notice that you are headed down the inefficient path in the middle of your drive. You can be frustrated and continue that way, or, you can try to correct your course and see if you can get on the more efficient path. Either way, you're noticing a little earlier and that should be celebrated. If you keep lauding yourself just for noticing, eventually you'll be catching yourself before you head on the inefficient path. You will have achieved your goal of changing the path you're on.

If you've been on the inefficient path for a long time, it will not be easy to change your way, but it can be done. Just remember: noticing is the first step. Meet yourself with self-compassion. You can do it.

For Further Thought:

1) What is it that you would like to do more efficiently as a parent?
2) In what ways can you support your noticing?
3) When in the past have you successfully changed a habit?

For Further Reading:

Zen Pencils: Ira Glass and the Gap

The One Thing I Wish I Had Known Before I Became a Parent

I've been a mom now for over four years, which in the grand scheme of things is not really that long. It's only recently that I've been getting serious about self-care, so it's only recently that I realized something really important about myself.

I am an introvert.

Susan Cain's book Quiet only came out in 2012, a year after I became a parent for the first time. Finding time to read in the first few years of parenting was hard, so it was a while before I actually got around to reading it. I had known before I had read it that I was an introvert, so part of me even resisted reading it, but I'm really glad I did. It was so validating to know that introversion is not a defective personality trait.



Introversion (and its opposite, extroversion) is a way of understanding one's personality. "Extroversion tends to be manifested in outgoing, talkative, energetic behavior, whereas introversion is manifested in more reserved and solitary behavior," says Wikipedia. However, there are a lot of myths about introverts, which I think stems from a misunderstanding about their motivations for their behaviour. The reason extroverts are generally more outgoing is because that's how they recharge. The reason introverts are generally more reserved is because solitude and quiet are what they need to recharge.

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Realizing that I require a great deal of solitude helps me to understand why nap time and bedtime are some of my favourite times. It helps me to understand why I never wanted to do playgroups, and why I hate going to kids' birthday parties. Finally I understand that if I want to take care of myself, I need to be careful not to fill up nap time and post-kids'-bedtime with too many activities so I can better appreciate the solitude.

Parenting as an introvert can be really tough, especially when your kids are really small and need you constantly. While having a partner can be helpful to get some alone time (hello, Daddy who takes the kids to the park!) it can also mean that when you finally get some time to yourself, you have to share it with someone else. There's also a lot of pressure to do things with your kids, like playdates, playgroups and other sports, lessons or group activities.

Knowing what you need to recharge is half the battle. It helps you to lessen the guilt you have about not doing all the things you think you need to be doing to be the perfect parent. It will also help you plan your time better. For instance, if you have a birthday party to attend on Sunday, you know that planning a play date on Saturday is probably a bad idea. Unless you get to drop your kid off and have some alone time, in which case it is an awesome idea.

Knowing what works for you will also affect your parenting style. I love my kids, and I love spending time with them, but the strong emphasis on that attachment part of attachment parenting means that it is not for me. Clearly, I'm not the only one who thinks so. It's not to say that you can't be an introvert and be an attachment parent, but that it's worth considering where the overlap might cause friction.

There is nothing wrong with being an introvert, but in a world where the majority are extroverted it means we have to work a little harder to understand ourselves and our needs. This is just as important to do when we become parents, especially when there are young introverts watching.

For Further Thought:

1) Are you an introvert or an extrovert? (Here's a quiz to help you!)

2) What does self-care look like for you as an introvert or extrovert?

3) In what way does your orientation impact your parenting, both in your philosophy of parenting and in how you parent?

For Further Reading:

Space2Live: There's nothing wrong with you, you're an introvert

Good: 10 Illustrations that Nail What it Means to be an Introvert

TED: Susan Cain's Ted Talk "The Power of Introverts"

HuffPo: Why Parenting is Hard for Introverts

I Gave Up By Noon: For the Introverted Mother

Missguided Mama: Your Introvert Mom Survival Guide: 10 tricks to save your sanity

Scary Mommy: 4 Tips for Surviving Parenthood as an Introverted Mom

Creating a Fair Haven: 10 Survival Tips for Introverted Parents

Quiet Revolution: How to Find Quiet as a Parent, Wherever You Are and The Benefits of Being an Introverted Parent