Board Games for (Very Little) Kids

If you grew up playing Monopoly and loved (or hated) it, if you're tired of playing the same game over and over again, or if you're looking for a fun family activity, this is the post for you. The difficulty with having a family game night is finding games for everyone, especially if you have kids younger than 5. Since we are avid board gamers, my husband was anxious to introduce our daughter to the world of board games early on. Luckily, there were a number of games made for very young children that we all enjoy playing together. 

Many great games come from Germany, but have distribution all around the world and instructions written in a few languages. If you can't find it in a store near you that carries them, there are a lot of online retailers (including Amazon) that do. My husband's favourite places to order from are Board Game Bliss and Great Boardgames. Haba is one German company that makes a lot of great games for children, especially very young children. 

Orchard

Orchard was one of the first games our daughter learned to play, and we recently introduced it to our two year old son. Our 5 year old daughter was happy to play with us. If your child knows their colours and can follow basic instructions, they are old enough to play this game. It's also a good beginning came because it's cooperative: everyone wins (or loses) together. The game includes a board, a die, fruit pieces in four colours and shapes (red cherries, blue plums, green apples and yellow pears), 4 baskets and a puzzle board with 9 puzzle pieces.

In Orchard, the objective is to get all the fruit off the board before the crow puzzle is finished. The die has six sides: one for each colour of fruit, as well as a basket and a crow. If you roll one of the colours, you take a fruit of the same colour and put it in a basket. If you roll a basket, you get to take two pieces of fruit. If you roll a crow, you take a crow piece and put it in the puzzle board. Everyone takes a turn rolling the die and removing the fruit or building the crow puzzle depending on what they roll. Once all the fruit pieces are gone, you win! If the crow puzzle is completed before the fruit is gone, you lose. 

Animal Upon Animal

My Very First Animal Upon Animal (there are a few versions of the game, this is the one for toddlers) was one of our daughter's favourites at this age, but our son enjoys knocking the animals over more than trying not to knock it over so it was not a success for him. The nice thing about it is that there are a variety of ways to play, so you can play cooperatively or against one another. The game comes with a die, some animal blocks, some tokens and some boards. The object of the cooperative game is to build your towers before the rabbit gets to the end of his path. You place the two boards (clover and flower) beside each other, and make a path using the tokens. The die has suns, clovers and flowers on the sides. Every time you roll a sun, the rabbit moves to the next token. Every time you roll a flower or a clover, you put an animal of your choice on that board. If there's already an animal there, you have to stack it. Be careful! Don't knock the animals over or you will have to start again. If you can get all the animals stacked up before the rabbit gets to the end of the tokens, you win. 

Monza

Our son adores this game, even though he's not really old enough to play it. Our daughter has been able to play it since she was about 4, with help. The object of the game is to be the first one to go around the board. The game comes with 6 different coloured cars, 6 dice with different colours on them, and a board.

Monza Board

The board has a few different tracks, each segmented into different blocks of colour. When it's your turn, you roll all the dice, and move your car along using the colours of the dice to determine which blocks you can go on (they must be adjacent). From the start, if you rolled blue, yellow, green, red, white, purple, you would be able to move all the way to the purple block on the first curve. However, if you didn't roll a white or a blue, you wouldn't be able to advance at all. The first one to make it all the way around the board wins! The nice thing about this game is that although there is some strategy involved, it is mostly luck as to which colours you will roll so it evens the playing field. Even though our son isn't old enough to play it, he likes to play with the cars and will most certainly enjoy playing the game later on. Our daughter still loves it at age 5.

Linus the Little Magician

Another great game company is Drei Magier. One of the games our son really likes right now is Linus the Little Magician.Our daughter still likes this one as well. The object of the game is to get the most tokens. The game comes with 6 different types of circular tokens (some are magnetic and some not) and matching square cardboard cards, as well as a little (magnetic) magician block. On your turn, you turn over a card and use the magician to try to pick up the matching token. If he can pick it up, you keep it. If he can't pick it up, the card goes into the box. Once all the cards are gone, you count how many tokens you have and whomever has the most is the winner. This game is a little like memory, because you have to remember which tokens someone has tried that are not magnetic. You can adjust the difficulty of the game by arranging all the similar tokens together or by giving more than one try to the youngest. If I play with just our son, we both clap when all the cards are gone (he doesn't understand the concept of winning just yet).

If you're interested in board games, my husband highly recommends The Dice Tower. Tom Vasel talks about the games in a lot of detail and since he also has children, he reviews children's games fairly frequently. I will follow this post up with at least two more posts detailing games for (little) kids (age 3-4) and games for kids (age 5+).

For Further Thought:

1) What family activities do you enjoy with your kids?
2) What memories of playing games as a kid do you have?
3) What obstacles might be in your way to starting a family game night? How might you solve them?

3 Things Your Toddler Needs (But Doesn't Know How To Ask For)

Toddlers, amirite? One moment they're the cutest thing ever and the next moment they're melting down because they want to simultaneously drink from the red cup and the blue cup. You find yourself second-guessing your parenting skills, furiously googling for the answers. Do I need to go gluten-free? Am I too strict? Not strict enough? You find yourself walking on eggshells, worrying about provoking the next meltdown. Yet it doesn't seem to matter how carefully you tread, your toddler still finds an excuse to throw a tantrum. Or starts pushing all your buttons. On purpose. You find yourself not only not enjoying being around your toddler, but actively disliking them. You are despondent, wondering if it will always be this way. And you are so very, very tired, physically, mentally and emotionally.

When I went through this stage with my daughter, my googling turned up Janet Lansbury. This was how I got started on my peaceful parenting journey, and I'm so grateful I did. Not only am I already beginning to see the results with my daughter, I'm finding it so much easier to go through this stage with my son (it also helps to know that it does pass).

Here's a summary of testing behaviours from Janet Lansbury's blog:

• Misbehaving, and the problem isn't that they aren't aware of or forgetting the rules (this is especially evident when they look at you and smile/laugh while doing it)
• Become very demanding (requesting specific cups or spoons, not being happy regardless of the outcome)
• Are destructive and aggressive (may be playing aggressively with toys or people: throwing, pushing hitting, biting, etc)
• Losing it at the drop of a hat
• Seeming not like themselves (you find yourself wondering what happened to the lovely kid that you had)
• Pushes all your buttons (seems intentional)

If you find yourself recognizing a lot or all of these behaviours, don't take it personally. Your toddler lacks the verbal skills to tell you exactly what it is that they need and instead uses their behaviour as a cry for help. Toddlers thrive on routine, and if that routine gets disrupted, it throws them off.  Things that stress us out, like vacations (either with or without kids), family visiting, transferring to a "big kid" bed, potty training and being pregnant or coping with a new addition to the family are even scarier for our toddlers. They need our help to understand that everything's going to be OK, and that they can get through this difficult time.

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This doesn't mean that we should never get out of our routines, but that we have to be aware of the effect that it will have on our toddlers. Here are three things you can do to help your toddler reestablish equilibrium. 

First, your toddler needs gentle limits. I know parents from all over the parenting spectrum so I will clarify what I mean for each end of the spectrum. Some of you have got the gentle part down pat. Anything you do that makes your child cry seems cruel. However, if your child isn't sure where the limits lie, they will continue to test them until they figure it out. If they find that the limits are too loose, they will act out out of fear (imagine the difference between crossing a narrow bridge with railings and without). Some of you may be saying, "Limits? Of course I set limits!" What you may struggle with is the gentle part. You don't need to yell. You don't need to get upset. You don't need to show any emotion whatsoever (in fact, the less emotion you show the better, so if you're having a hard time holding your poker face, give yourself some time to calm down). You can state the limit and then act on it (see this article on limit setting for more ideas). "No throwing. If you throw your toys, I will have to take them away." Child throws toy. You take it away. They cry. Which leads us to the next thing your child needs...

..,.acceptance of their feelings. Regardless of which end of the parenting spectrum you're coming from, you may struggle with hearing your child cry. For those from the permissive side, as mentioned, making your child cry seems cruel. You may remember what it was like to feel hurt as a child, and if your parent was authoritarian, you maybe have even been told not to cry. You are determined to do things differently. Parents coming from the authoritarian end of the spectrum also don't like to hear crying, but to them it's not about being mean, it's that letting them cry about not being able to break the rules seems like "giving in." For both types of parents, working on accepting those difficult feelings is important so they can learn that a) I can be sad, but it won't last forever and I will be OK, and b) my parent not only cares enough about me to set limits, they care that I'm upset. At no point should you do something to get the crying to stop, either positive (distracting them with something good) or negative (threatening them). It may seem like they will cry forever, but just see it through until the end. If you don't know what to do, just sit down beside them, close your eyes and focus on your breath (see my post on meditating so you don't get caught up in your thoughts while you're doing this). 

The last thing that your child needs is connection. This is probably the hardest thing to do even when your toddler isn't acting like a terror. Dr. Laura Markham recommends 15 minutes a day of "special time" with each kid, and although it doesn't seem like a lot, I still struggle to do it everyday (and when I do do it, it's with both kids at the same time, which isn't ideal). This part might even be harder than listening to your child cry, especially when you are already exhausted from dealing with their behaviour (this is where self-care becomes especially important). Some parents might even feel like this is rewarding the bad behaviour. Your child is trying to tell you with their behaviour that they need to know that you love them unconditionally. It's easy to love our kids when they are behaving. Being able to show your kids you love them when they're behaving horribly is really hard.

I'm not promising that these things will put an end to the behaviour, but they will at least give you a script to follow to get through it. If you're skeptical that it will make a difference, give it a trial period. If what you're currently doing isn't working for you, what have you got to lose?

For Further Thought:

1) What preconceived notions do you have about your child's behaviour? The next time they are misbehaving, try to listen to what's going on in your head before you react.

2) Do you struggle with setting gentle limits? Is it being gentle or the limit setting part that you have a hard time with?

3) How did your parents respond to big feelings when you were a kid? The next time your child is expressing some big feelings, try and listen to what's going on in your head before you react.

4) What obstacles are getting in your way of connecting with your child? Consider if you need more time for self-care, if you feel like connection is rewarding bad behaviour, or if you don't feel like you have enough time.

For Further Reading:

Janet Lansbury: The Real Reason Toddlers Push Limits

Parenting from Scratch: Tips for Setting and Holding Limits With Kids

Peaceful Parent: Helping Little People Deal With Their Big Feelings

AhaParenting: 5 Secrets to Loving Your Child Unconditionally

Finding the Middle Ground

I realized this week that the problem with all parenting books is that they assume that one size fits all. That all parents are starting from the same place, that their kids all have the same temperament, and that all parents want to parent in the same way. While it's obvious that not all parents and children are the same, I figured that regardless, if there was a parenting method that worked, all parents should try to parent that way. I have no evidence that there is one particular parenting method that works for every parent and every child even some of the time, let alone all the time, but even if there were, it can't be approached in the same way by every parent.

In the Peace Circle this month, the theme is "bendy." I have taken e-courses on boundaries and it still took a few weeks for me to realize that being flexible has to do with boundaries. Some of the mamas are too rigid. The problem with being too rigid with your boundaries is that as soon as you collide with someone else's wants and needs-which is guaranteed to happen when you become a parent- you will break. The other side of the coin (and this is where I find myself) are the mamas who are too bendy. While one might think that being flexible is a good thing, the other extreme has a tendency to bend so much that they also break.

If I had not already worked with the idea of boundaries, I might look at the theme of bendy and think that being more flexible will help me, and end up breaking myself in the process. Personally, I need to learn how to set limits and be less bendy. However, if someone who is not bendy at all took a course in setting limits, they would not benefit from it either.

Enjoy this picture of a dog

I've never read anywhere about considering which end of the authoritarian-permissive spectrum you're on before making adjustments to your parenting style. The problem is that people have a tendency to avoid the middle ground and stick to their extremes. Authoritarian parents believe that you are either strict and make your kids tow the line, or you are permissive and indulgent. Permissive parents believe that either you have a good relationship with your child, or you are punitive and harsh. It creates a false dichotomy between setting limits and having a good relationship with your child, as if you cannot do both (hint: you can). Parents on one end have difficulty setting limits, and parents on the other end have difficulty setting limits while maintaining their relationship with their child. 

If you've been having difficulties setting limits with your child, don't feel you need to change your personality to be more harsh. Conversely, if you want to be less punitive with your child, you don't need to become all sunshine and rainbows and let your kid get away with things. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, there is a happy middle ground where parents from both ends of the spectrum can meet. Getting there, however, will depend on which end of the spectrum you're coming from.

Screen Time -An Addendum

I've fallen off the wagon. I've been spending way too much time on my iPad, to the point where my daughter, age almost 5, has been telling me that I've been spending way too much time on my iPad. I haven't been meditating. Sometimes it's really, really hard to do the things you know you should (or not do the things you know you shouldn't).

I have fallen, and I have gotten up again. I joined the Peace Circle, which is a beautiful community of mamas who have completed the Abundant Mama Project. Someone made a really good suggestion that I check out Molly McLeod's Wallpapers. I downloaded one of her wallpapers, and then browsed Google images for another background that I found meaningful.

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It's actually made a difference. I also made an effort to start meditating again. However, I don't want anyone to think that I'm some kind of super-mom who's always doing the right thing. Sometimes I find it really hard to write blog posts because I'm worried that I'm setting up a standard of parenthood that I can't live up to. I called my blog Authentic Parenting not to pay homage to an overused buzzword but because if there's any kind of parent I want to be, it's a real one. One that has bad days. One that scratches the car, spills the milk, loses her mittens, ignores her kids. I hope that anyone reading this is also interested in becoming the best real parent they can be. One that understands that no matter how well you practice your parenting, you will still have days that are chaotic and messy. Kids who will not listen. Tempers that get lost. Tears that need to be cried. This is life, and I want to live it in the most real way I can. Want to join me?

Screen Time

Today I want to talk about screen time. No, this is not a post to make your feel guilty about how much time your kids spend looking at screens. This is a post to make you feel guilty about how much time you spend looking at screens in the presence of your kids. To be honest, I don't want you to feel guilty about it at all, so I will try to frame this around my own difficulties with screen time.

There are too many articles out there ready to shame parents for ignoring their kids, and I don't want this to be another one. I think we all know deep down when we're spending too much time on our screens. At least I do. Sometimes I get an almost addicted feeling, like I reeeeeeeeeeeeally need to be on a screen, and then I feel guilty that not only am I on my screen when I shouldn't be but that I am unable to stop myself from being on a screen.

The biggest problem with all these articles about distracted parents is that they are full of finger-wagging but offer little in the way of remedying the problem, aside from telling you to just stop being on your screen. 'Cause that's always been helpful...

Frankly, I find it amusing that people are so quick to blame the latest technology for the fact that parents are more distracted these days. Back in my day my mom ignored us with a good book. We had to work hard to entertain ourselves without raising her ire by fighting or making too big of a mess. I'm fairly certain this helped us develop our social skills and imaginations (or maybe our negotiating skills: "OK, if you won't tell mom about this bad thing I did, I won't tell her about that bad thing you did."). My mom was lucky that she didn't have the entire Internet telling her how awful she was for ignoring her kids. In fact, moms today spend more time with their kids than did moms in the 60s. I wonder if it has anything to do with all this internet guilt?

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I'm not here to tell you that you should ignore the critics and spend as much time on your screen as you'd like. I do think that benevolent neglect is a thing that every parent should practice. And as I pointed out, it's not about being on a screen. It's about distracting yourself. The question is, what are you distracting yourself from? 

In this NSFW video, Louis C.K. talks about how we distract ourselves from feeling things we don't want to feel using our phones (among other things). 

Louis is one wise guy. He's right: we can never be fully happy if we don't let ourselves feel fully sad. Brené Brown talks about this in her book "Daring Greatly." She says: “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” When we're spending time on our screens (even if it isn't around our kids) for the purpose of distracting ourselves from our lives, we are doing ourselves a disservice.

Here's what I've noticed about when I feel a really strong craving for my screen. Usually I haven't had a lot of alone time. Sometimes I'm also really tired. Oftentimes, I haven't done any self-care like exercise or meditation in a few days. My cup is dry, and being on a screen helps me to fill it, even if it's just a few drops. 

My drug of choice

Again, I'm not here to guilt anyone. Making yourself feel guilty does not solve the problem. Being more mindful of why we do the things we do and meeting ourselves with compassion will. We don't need to give up technology or whatever else it is that we use to distract ourselves as long as we are being intentional and mindful with its use. Start with doing what really fills your cup instead of settling for just a few drops.

For Further Thought:

1) What obstacle gets in the way of filling your cup, and settling for drops of self-care instead?

2) What is your distraction drug of choice?

3) What are you distracting yourself from?

For Further Reading:

Fried Okra: Dear Mom on the Iphone, I Get It
Abundant Life Children: Can I Have Your Attention, Please?
The Momiverse: 14 Steps to Being a Less Distracted Parent
Janet Lansbury: Do Wired Parents Need a Time Out...or Less Guilt?
Not Just Cute: How to Pull it Together When You’re Parenting on Empty
Regarding Baby: Take Care of Yourself and When Technology Brings Us Together
Respectful Parent: Connection and Disconnection: Parenting with Smartphones
Time: The Case for Somewhat Distracted Parenting

Meditation IRL

Being able to bring meditation into your daily routine can be a great way to incorporate mindfulness into your daily life. It's not always possible to spend lots of time meditating, but it is possible to be more mindful throughout the day. Meditation is what's called a formal mindfulness practice. There are many informal mindfulness practices - and many ways to take what you are already doing in your life and create a mindfulness practice from it. Also, the goal isn't to try to be mindful 100% of the time. What's important is to have a practice of mindfulness so that when you're in the middle of the parenting game, you can call upon what you have gained in your practice to help you.

We are very used to multi-tasking. Often it isn't even about getting more than one thing done at a time, but about distracting ourselves until we're finished with an activity. I can't even wait in line anymore without being on my phone! However, not only is multi-tasking bad for our efficiency and proficiency, it's detrimental to our ability to be mindful. Sometimes multi-tasking cannot be helped. Dinner has to get on the table and you have to keep tabs on what your toddler is doing, otherwise you'll either have really hungry children or a really big mess to clean up after. Sometimes, though, we get so used to having our attention on multiple things at once that merely paying attention to one thing at a time is boring. In these cases, it's important to push past the uncomfortable feelings of boredom and give ourselves a chance to be mindful.

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Much like meditation, informal mindfulness practices are about being present in whatever you are doing. You can use mundane things such as going for a walk, doing the dishes, eating, showering or brushing your teeth as informal mindfulness practices. Find your breath, try to be aware of the what's going on around you, and when you get distracted, gently bring your attention back to what you are doing. If you are washing dishes, you are concentrating on washing the dishes, not planning what you're going to make for supper the next day. You are aware of all the sights, smells and sensations that go along with washing the dishes. Much like in meditation, we can feel fidgety or allow ourselves to get distracted by what we are going to do next. However, recognizing and staying with this discomfort is part of mindfulness, and can help us to deal with other uncomfortable feelings that will come about as a result of daily life.

Ideally we would make time in our day for both formal and informal meditation practices. However, if you find the idea of meditating daunting or you don't think you can make the time meditate, starting with an informal meditation practice can be a great way to experiment with the concept of mindfulness.

For Further Thought:

1) Are you aware of when you are multi-tasking? 

2) Do you find ever yourself unnecessarily multi-tasking?

3) What obstacles prevent you from adding an informal meditation practice to your life?

For Further Reading:

PsychCentral: Informal Mindfulness Practice: Being Present for a Few Moments at a Time

Mrs. Mindfulness: 11 Ways to Bring More Mindfulness Into Your Life Today

Daily Good: 5 Ways To Bring Mindfulness Into Everyday Life

HuffPo: 13 Things Mindful People Do Differently Every Day

Zen Habits: The Mindfulness Guide for the Super Busy: How to Live Life to the Fullest

Meditation for Newbies

Meditation is something I had always wanted to try, so I decided to take a class at a meditation centre. I learned lots of different mindfulness techniques and even received several guided meditations that take about 15 minutes to do. Even though I knew these meditations would only take 15 minutes, I still struggled to do them. It took about two years until I made it a habit to meditate at least once a week for 15 minutes.

Meditation has helped me immensely not just as a relaxation and self-care technique, but in becoming more mindful -in being able to notice things going on around and inside me. I love how I feel after I meditate. You would think that after such a positive experience it would be easier to continue, right?

I have to admit that I still struggle to meditate even once a week for 15 minutes. Still, I realize that it's something that's good for me to do, so I try to push myself to do it.

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The nice thing about meditation is that it's simple to do and it's free. Here's how:

1) Set a timer for any length of time. It helps if the timer has a gentle ring at the end. Also, don't feel you have to aim for a really long time -start with just 5 minutes.

2) Sit or lie down comfortably. Use a pillow to help you sit more comfortably, if needed.

3) Practice breathing deeply. If you need something to focus on, focus on your breath, in and out.

4) Try not to be upset or angry at yourself if you get distracted. Imagine your thoughts as leaves on a stream, floating away. They may have caught your eye for a minute, but they are continuing on their way. Continue to breathe and refocus on your breath.

5) Open yourself up to whatever you may be feeling, and name it, without getting caught up in it. Mindfulness is about allowing and accepting. If you feel yourself getting stuck in your feelings or the thoughts that may accompany them, continue to focus on your breath.

Often people feel that they can't meditate properly because they feel fidgety and can't control their thoughts. It's important to recognize that there is no "proper" way to meditate and that meditation isn't about controlling your thoughts or "emptying your mind." Even if you are just sitting still for 15 minutes, you are still doing yourself a world of good.

For further thought:

1) What self-care rituals do you struggle to maintain?
2) Have you ever considered meditation as a parenting tool?
3) What obstacles prevent you from being able to meditate? How do you think you can overcome them?

For further reading:

Tara Brach: How to Meditate
Deepak Chopra: 7 Myths of Meditation
HuffPo: 12 Myths About Meditation, 6 Meditation Problems and Meditation for Parents
Tiny Buddha: 5 Meditation Myths
Life Hacker: Five Common Myths about Meditation
Meditation Oasis: Difficulty Meditating
The Anxious Lawyer: Difficulty Meditating – Troubleshooting Guide
The Change Blog: What To Do When Meditation Gets “Hard”